visa nightmare.

THIS VISA IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!

i feel as though it is starting to take over my life. a couple of nights ago i woke up from a horrible dream with undertones of my largely repressed (it has to be) but very powerful fear that i will not get my visa. i cried for a long time in a half asleep/half awake state and woke up the next day feeling like i got hit by a truck. last night, ali and i spent 6 hours doing more (sigh) visa research--reading forums, figuring out what needs to be written on the letter for my old boss (eeek! not another encounter with charlie!) to sign, if my bank records are on the right kind of paper, whether they count net pay or gross pay and from what starting date, and so many other terribly stressful concerns of which i will spare you the details. i couldn't sleep last night and when i did, i had unsettling dreams that left me feeling tired and anxious today.

i am starting to feel like this may be one of the most stressful thing i've done in my life. nothing that i can remember working toward has had such a strong outcome on the course of my life that i can remember. no test i studied for in college, no job application, no tangible goal i've worked toward in my life has been so full of tricky details that could be missed and so full of what feels like never ending obstacles!!! i feel like i'm climbing up a verticle wall. with spikes. and big angry chomping crocodiles below. it's hard to look past this and plan for my future or prepare or work towards any other goals i have right now b/c the outcome of this visa determines everything!

one month and one week from today, if all goes according to plan, i will be back in the states, i will have applied online, i will have had all my biometrcis done at the british consulate, i will have paid the WHOPPING $1,300.00 visa fee, all my checked and re-checked and checked again documents will be sent in, and it will all be out of my my hands. 5.....weeks.....